While I live in Yorkville these days, I end up in the Naperville and Aurora area fairly often. I drive by and occasionally go to places that you and I went to once upon a time. I’m trying to avoid those areas now because the memories come flooding back to me when I do, and it hurts so bad. Last year my oldest daughter had a marching band competition that was hosted at Naperville Central High School. It was really jarring to be there, and it dawned on me then that the last time I had been there was 1995 when you and I went to the homecoming dance. There I was, 29 years later, and I saw you everywhere I looked. It was ache-inducing, but not nearly as bad as it would be for me to go there now. While my heart ached for you then, now it’s just...shattered for you. She has another competition there this year and I just don’t know if I’ll be able to handle it. I want to support her, but I know the ghosts of us will be there en masse.
Whenever I pass through the Fox Valley Mall area lately it’s really hard to hold myself together. Everywhere I look I see the places we went to. I pass by the Denny’s that we frequented, and I can picture us sitting there. I can picture a time after we lost each other and I ran into you there and you came up and talked to me...I don’t remember the interaction, but I remember the ache afterward. I couldn’t tell you what you meant to me then, and I hate myself for it. Just one of many missed opportunities.
The mall itself, I picture walking aimlessly through it, hand in hand with you—one of my favorite memories. The outskirts of the mall that had that Italian restaurant we went to before the dance (long gone now). The Olive Garden we went to sometimes is still there. I recall birthday dinners there. The Arby’s across the street, believe it or not, I never ate Arby’s until I met you. I still remember being in your kitchen and you reheated some roast beef sandwiches for us...I was a bit hesitant because roast beef sandwiches weren’t really something I’d ever considered eating before, but I didn’t want to snub my nose, so I ate one and I’ve loved them ever since. I always think of you when I have them.
Next to the Arby’s is the Target that I used to work at. You came and visited me there, and this is something that did not really occur to me back then, but there was a Target right by your house and you drove all the way to the one by the mall because I was there. Five minutes vs. thirty minutes? I was oblivious. I remember calling you on my breaks and talking endlessly. I don’t know how they didn’t fire me; I would take hour-plus breaks just to talk to you. Sometimes I pass by the tire shop further down the way and I remember the day that you came with me to get tires for my car. The LONGEST tire job in the world...but you were with me, and I could’ve stayed there forever just because you were there. Even the tedium of life was much more tolerable when you were there.
I’m listening to Patrick O’Hearn’s Indigo while I type this, recalling a day we were just laying around on the couch in your family room while listening to this album in the dark. I would give everything to go back to that moment.
I miss you, Sam.