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Hey Sam,
I’ve carried this message in my head for years. Revised and rewritten it over and over. I don’t know if you’ll want to hear from me — but I’ve gotten to a place in life where keeping this buried just isn't right anymore.
All those years ago when we met, you brought light into my life at a time I so desperately needed it. I was in a very dark place — hurting, confused, reeling from everything that was happening in my family on top of the general awfulness of being a teenager. I was drowning, and I was content to just drown. I didn't care anymore. And then you appeared, and everything changed.
I don’t know if you ever realized what you gave me during that time. I know my actions were at odds with my heart. But it was so much more than you could imagine. All this time later, I still reflect on it — and it still resonates so deeply in me. I'm fully aware that it may have been one-sided, and that's okay. I lied to myself for longer than I'd care to admit, telling myself that you walked away from me. But I know it was me, so naive and in need of validation, I pushed you away out of fear. I wanted you to come after me, and when you didn't, it confirmed to me what I'd feared — that I was just another friend. And not even one worth fighting for. I know now how unfair and stupid that was. I can't tell you how many times I thought about calling or stopping by in the following weeks, months, years... more than I can count. I lacked the courage. And it's by far the biggest regret I have in my life because it cost me such a beautiful friendship. I would give anything to change that.
I’ve often wondered how your life turned out. I've always hoped you were happy. That you found joy. That your days were full of people who saw your light and loved you the way you so very much deserve to be loved. All I’ve ever wished for you — even if we never crossed paths again — was for you to have a life that reflected how beautiful your soul is. Even if I wasn't part of that picture, it mattered to me knowing that you were okay.
I don't know what things are like for you now, and I don't want to assume. But I fear you may be in a dark place, just as I was when you came into my life. I'm not looking to judge, and I know my thoughts might not hold much weight. And for all I know, you don't need to hear this. Your world is possibly full of people telling you this very thing.
But you matter, Sam. You always have. You were so much more than a brief chapter in my life — you were a turning point. You were a catalyst to so much of what I became afterwards. You showed me what connection could feel like at a time when I was so hopelessly lost. You were the light that allowed me to navigate the darkest period of my life. While you may have forgotten all about me, it's this reason that I still hold so close to the memory of you. You are the reason I believe love can be something powerful and healing. You helped me see that at a time when absolutely no one else was getting through the barriers that I had constructed. And if there's something happening to you right now, and you're not seeing your place or your worth... I owe it to you to put this out there. Because I don't know where I'd be right now if not for you coming into my life when you did. I was surrounded by people telling me these things, but you — and only you — got through.
I just needed you to know that someone out here still remembers your light. And still believes it’s there.
If you are in a place where you need a reminder of who you are — who you were, who you still are underneath it all — I’m here. No pressure. No expectations. Just someone who once loved you in a way that’s never gone away and never will. Tomorrow or twenty years from now, I'll be there. No matter what, no matter when, in whatever capacity you need.
Take care of yourself, Sam. Please.