Yesterday I thought about the first time I ever called you. The way your voice sounded when you picked up the phone and I said "Is this Sam? It's Mike"...you sounded so excited to hear from me. It's etched in my brain still, 30 years later. I don't know why that particular moment popped into my head yesterday, other than I've been thinking of you non-stop. I still remember your phone number. I wish I could dial it right now and find you. That would make a great uplifting episode of The Twilight Zone. I pick up the phone and it dials back to 1995 and you're there talking to me in 2025. I would tell you all my regrets so you could knock some sense into that version of me before he could make the worst mistakes of his life.
I’m listening to Gutted - Bleed For Us To Live today (right now, actually) for the first time in forever. I don't really listen to much death metal these days. I still throw on some of my all time favs here and there, but not that one. It hurts too much to listen to it because it takes me back to the first time we hung out. That concert...I fell in love with you that night. It wasn't "love at first sight", it was "love at first presence". I had seen you prior to that, but didn't really experience your presence prior. I could’ve been blind and felt it all the same. Just being with you electrified me in a way I'd never known before. I don’t even remember the concert. I’m sure we watched the band, but hell if I remember them at all. I was too focused on you. I wrote this in one of my own personal writings that I’ve been doing lately, but it’s something I want you to know – You could have asked me to go sit in a garbage dump with you, and I’d have gone and I would’ve enjoyed every minute of it. The few years we were friends, every time I was with you...they’re my happiest memories.
I woke up this morning from a dream that you were in. Oddly, you were my therapist in the dream. It wasn't you at first, but it became you, very clearly...And when we reached the end of our sessions, and everything was effectively resolved you told me "you wished that you could find out how it all goes for me, but that you weren't allowed to reach out to clients afterwards"...and then I broke down crying, blubbering ugly crying... begging you not to leave me. And I woke up that way. Drenched in tears, still crying. It's left me with a feeling that has lingered all day. And so here am again, sending a message into the void...hoping some day you’ll find it. Forever in my thoughts Sam...forever.